When Annemieke Dubois asked me if I was interested in reading her book: Relational Intelligence. I have to admit I was very curious. Knowing that she is the owner of Jade & Jules, a company that combines a professional, tailor-made personal matchmaking approach with an extensive, elite network of singles. I have not been single a lot in my life. I have had longer and shorter relations before meeting my husband with whom I am for 20 years now. But I was very curious to find out whether we could learn something from her book, when we are happily married and maybe something about relationships that are not ‘love’ relationships. Annemieke has been a headhunter, matching people in business, before becoming a personal matchmaker.
I can confirm, her book is a great book also for non singles. I love the start of the book where she compares a relation with a holiday. So many ways to plan and enjoy a holiday, and so many ways to have a relation as well. It made me think of how we are not taught in school about having relations.
So important to know our values but always open to other views on relationships, whatever kind of relationship it might be, personal, professional, family,… So important to learn how you can communicate in a healthy way. We need to realize we cannot receive love when wearing a mask.
Is a good RQ something in our DNA? Is my own RQ as it is supposed to be? Is it that mix of the way I am a combination of being extravert and introvert as well, asking the right questions and listening to how different people can be from myself?
Probably it is also because like Annemieke states in her book : the only way to really connect with someone is to start with that trust in a potential partner and the new relation. Only when we dare to be vulnerable and able to guard our borders we can create that fertile ground for a relation.
Can we get smarter in how we deal with relations? I do think so.
First willing to understand the other before you want them to understand how you are, a proof of relational intelligence is something I learned in the book. A nice quote from Jim Rohn in the book: “you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with”. Sometimes you need to say goodbye.
To have a good relation we need that ideal balancing of independence and dependency. Love rests on 2 pillars: on autonomy and surrender, reconciling independence with the need for your partner. Freedom does not necessary mean we are happier. Be aware for a big danger in a relation: money, it can be the glue or the knife.
Something very interesting as well: you do not need to speak the same love language as your partner, however you should understand your partners language. And let’s not get it wrong great chemistry and passion does not necessary mean you found the best partner for the long term relation you are looking for, it can even lead to destruction. Annemieke also quotes Esther Perel (who was in Belgium) this week: “Erotism thrives on the unpredictable”.
I also liked the anthropologic insight on monogamy becoming the norm and that to be matching partners, age is not that important but being in the same phase of your life however is crucial.
I never dated online so I do not know anything about it, unless from some friends telling me about it. To swipe or not to swipe, Annemieke warns us for the danger of a dating addiction.
Wrong partners, when you have them in your personal life it is horrible, but we also need to be aware for professional projects with the wrong partners, we need to have the RQ and the courage to end what does not feel good. And she reminds us of the law of polarity ; there is an opposite of everything. So a good thing always comes after a breakup. Relations exist to make us grow.
We need to learn to receive and not only to give in a relation. In a relation you are 3, you, the partner and the relation.
I really loved the story about the Pharaoh and his harem attitude, sound very familiar, not only for love relations, the danger of power….sometimes linked with sex but not always.
At the end Annemieke tells us: Love is easy, but some people want to make it needlessly complex. Thanks for a great book!
I would like to end with a very nice quote form Buddha in the book :
”Travel only with thy equals or thy betters; if they are none, travel alone”
